Moonlighting agony uncle Professor Dirichlet answers your personal problems. Want the prof’s help? Send your problems to deardirichlet@chalkdustmagazine.com.
Dear Dirichlet,
My wife and I are keen ballroom dancers, and have our sights set on the big leagues: Blackpool Tower. We’ve nailed down our $(\text{cha})^3$ routine, and our $\frac{\sin(\text{go})}{\cos(\text{go})}$ is coming along nicely. But we need help with one element: our costumes. My instructor told me my plain suit was too boring, but he didn’t like my wife’s super-sparkly dress either. How do I find the right balance?!
— Colin Wwrong, the Wirral
Dirichlet says:
Ah, this is a tricky one! It’s important to hit the right balance between plain and shiny, light and dark, statistics and probability. But if you want your costumes to be divinely proportioned, I’d suggest you alternate stripes of sparkles with plain bits, getting wider as they head towards your toes. If each strip is as wide as the previous two put together, you’ll get close to that golden ratio; the judges will surely be impressed by your Fibonacci sequins.
Dear Dirichlet,
My mother and I fancy visiting the UK, and we’d like to book some river cruises. What order should we do them in?
— River Cartwright, Slough
Dirichlet says:
I recommend starting upstream of Newcastle: how far you can go depends on how waterlogged the banks are, so make sure to check the Tyne-table. If you fancy a change, head southwest and go Dee, Wye, Dee, Exe. Either way, do the Severn fourth and the Forth seventh.
Dear Dirichlet,
My sister and I enjoy a kickabout in the park, but sometimes she is overzealous and our football ends up in some guy’s garden. Last week, when we went to collect the ball, he’d taken out all the stitches and turned it into a pile of hexagons and pentagons. He’s selling the house so he won’t be around forever, but still—can I sue?
— Abbie Roberts, Penshaw
Dirichlet says:
Stop playing in the park and start playing on $\mathbb{R}$ instead – a much better, infinite field. I appreciate it’s annoying but I wouldn’t worry too much about your desiccated footballs. You know what they say about short-term neighbours: sphere today, n-gon tomorrow.
Dear Dirichlet,
I’m five years late to the party, but I’ve finally got into sourdough. I never seem to get a good rise on my loaves because I can’t find a warm enough spot in my igloo. A friend of mine suggested putting it in the Aga, but my Aga is broken and anyway I don’t know how to use it.
— Aga Doo Doo Doo, Bucks
Dirichlet says:
You’re just going to have to change your oven. Nice smooth glass hob, easy to clean, able to turn on and off. You can even get some that don’t get hot unless you put the pot directly on it. That’ll sort it: prove by induction.
Dear Dirichlet,
I’m opening a fish and chip shop. What should I call it?
— Chris, Eversholt Street
Dirichlet says:
Plaice value. Cod or even. Poisson process. Angling. Haddock’s third lemma. Sharctan. Chris`s $\overline{\text{fish}}$.
Heed Professor Dirichlet’s previous advice:
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