Moonlighting agony uncle Professor Dirichlet answers your personal problems. Want the prof’s help? Send your problems to deardirichlet@chalkdustmagazine.com.
Dear Dirichlet,
My neighbour’s dog must be playing pranks on me. Every morning I leave the house to find more garden ornaments sitting cheerfully outside my front door. At first it was just 1 or 2, or groups of three, but now they’re forming little football teams, in 1-4-6-4-1 formation. I fear for the hyacinths.
— Melody Mottlebrook, King’s Lynn
Dirichlet says:
Sounds like a nasty case of bi-gnome-ial expansion! No good options to choose from here. Best to call Pasc(al) control. (PS not sure about the size of that squad, perhaps best not to apply for MOTD just yet.)
Dear Dirichlet,
I’ve decided to join the 21st century and digitise my Cliff Richard collection. I’ve bought a lovely new CD player and now just need to convert my 12-inch records into this exciting new format. I’m wired for sound! Do you have any timesaving tips?
— Tony Bluebell, Herts.
Dirichlet says:
Take your golden oldie φ-nyls and carefully place the records into solid cases. Then, as long as you never take them out, behold your new CDs… all closed discs are compact! What will you do with your newly empty L${}^\text{P}$ space? I attach an excellent film score album by the late, great, Bert Bach-banach.
Dear Dirichlet,
I’m about to move away from the north-east and I’m worried about the harder water wreaking havoc on my hair. I think washing it in the sink will make it look slightly better but it’s just so frustrating to get under control. I surveyed everyone I know about their shampoo habits and they say the real problem is that I’m conditioning first.
— Peter Pyper, Durham
Dirichlet says:
Your hair is sensitive to initial conditioner! Do not be tempted by the washbasin of attraction. A thorough rinsing between products along with consistent, regular habits will get things back to a fixed point. That is to say, removing mixing and adding in periodicity will stop your mop evolving into chaos (or just use 2 $\in$ 1).
Dear Dirichlet,
I’m trying to solve a system of linear equations and my teacher said I need to calculate the matrix in verse. Any tips?
— Carol Ann Fluffy, Reykjavík
Dirichlet says:
To invert you’ll first need the det,
If it’s zero, you’re stuffed, with regret.
Cofactors transposed,
(Swap columns and rows),
Divide it and you’ll be all set.
Dear Dirichlet,
I see in a previous issue you suggested a bunch of mathematically-themed dog names. I’m getting a cat next month: fancy helping out again?
— Barctangent Jones, Los Angeles
Dirichlet says:
Kevin.
Heed Professor Dirichlet’s previous advice:
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