Mathematics is my secret—
my secret weakness.
I feel like a stubborn, helpless fool in the middle of a problem.
Trapped and crazed.
Also, thrilled.
I’m gnawing on a bone and I fear
for anyone who comes near and tries
to make me stop.
I growl. I refuse to drop that bone.
I am dogged—
did I mention that math is funny too?
It’s hilarious how much time I secretly waste on it,
when there are more productive things to do,
like walk my dog,
fold my laundry,
or finish my actual homework.
No one in my family thinks all this math is healthy.
Get some sleep.
Here, eat something.
Go outside for some fresh air!
And they’re probably right.
But here’s another secret:
I don’t care
About rest or nutrition or any of it.
blah
blah
blah
I’m not even really listening.
Too busy gnawing away.
On a different day
Back out in the blaring, glaring, glittering world
I feel unfurled and chatty
Eager for random conversations and observations
Nosy for other people’s secrets, which surely must be
as weird and wild as the ones that define the inside of me.
And I notice
something fascinating
exasperating
in all the talking
talking
talking.
Here’s what a lot of people say:
I’m just not a math person.
Insert shrug and sheepish smile.
I can barely figure out the tip.
Wait, you take extra math classes? What for?
What do you mean, just for fun?
Wow, you must be a genius or something.
Here’s what no one says:
I’m just not a words person.
Insert shrug and sheepish smile.
I can barely read a sentence.
Wait, you read an entire book this weekend? What for?
What do you mean, just for fun?
Wow, you must be a genius or something.
I feel silly being mistaken for a genius,
when I’m really just a nerd.
Struggling,
stumbling,
pushing,
reaching
for more
of something
that makes
me feel
mesmerised and uncomfortable,
lost,
hopeless,
hopeful,
real.
Julia is a high school student from New Jersey, US, who loves exploring linear algebra and number theory. She also enjoys bouldering, photography, and listening to the Beatles (often while doing linear algebra).
