Moonlighting agony uncle Professor Dirichlet answers your personal problems. Want the prof’s help? Send your problems to deardirichlet@chalkdustmagazine.com.
Dear Dirichlet,
I get the same bus to the shops every morning and I’ve made friends with four of my fellow travellers. They added me to their shared WhatsApp but nothing in it makes sense to me. They’re having different conversations all jumbled up and I can’t work out what anyone’s trying to say. Help?!
— Helen, West Oxford
Dirichlet says:
Oh dear, you’ve found yourself in an Abelian group chat! As far as anyone there is concerned, the order of the elements doesn’t matter. You already know that everyone in there is associative; that should have been your first warning. See if there’s a quiet soul on the bus who, like you, isn’t heading to work. The group could become Hermit-ian when it’s not just filled with commuters.
Dear Dirichlet,
My daughter and son-out-law (they’re not married) are expecting a baby, and they’ve asked me what I want my ‘grandparent name’ to be. Any suggestions?
— Laurel, King’s Lynn
Dirichlet says:
It all depends on your relationship to the other set of grandparents! If you’re taller than the other gran, you could be the supre-mum (and if not, the infi-mum). If you live further away, call yourself the extre-mum, and if you’re particularly competitive you could strive to become the opti-mum. Alternatively if you bloom in November, call yourself the chrysanthe-mum.
Dear Dirichlet,
My attempts to build a camel-powered steam train having failed, I’ve turned to wood as a source of fuel. I was making good progress using Dr Beeching’s Seasoned Oak, but it’s become a victim of its own success and is sold out everywhere. I thought I could replicate it with a combination of two different woods, but my furnace is still lacking oomph. Any advice?
— Clive, County Durham
Dirichlet says:
My friend, your quest is a fruitless one. No matter how far you search, there are no two lumbers whose powers combine to give the power of a third. I’m surprised you don’t already know this: it’s a special case of Fermat’s blast theorem.
Dear Dirichlet,
My friend, Dodgy Neil, has been selling counterfeit protractors and compasses to students behind the bike sheds. They look legitimate, but then turn out to only cover 6 radians instead of the whole range. His business seems to be drying up and he’s not getting any repeat customers. What’s going on?
— Steve, Coventry
Dirichlet says:
Selling counterfeit geometry sets is disc-y business. Perhaps Neil can widen his sphere of influence; once word gets a-round, business might pick up. Though he shouldn’t be surprised if nobody comes back — after all, once bitten, twice pi.
Dear Dirichlet,
I am interested in the structural aspects of civil engineering. What recommendations do you have?
— Adrian, Manchester
Dirichlet says:
If you want to keep things civil with your fellow engineers, think before you speak; never turn up to a party empty-handed; and never gossip in a public area. If it’s concrete you’re after, try Preston bus station.
Heed Professor Dirichlet’s previous advice:
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